How do I close something that is broken?

"The hard part is pretending not to give a fuck when you really do. The worst part is trying to close your heart when its doors have been blown to pieces." R.M. Drake

Sometimes the ghost of you haunts me in my dreams... and sometimes even when I'm awake. And I remember those times when you told me "you made me believe in love again." It's funny how I made you believe in love... but it didn't last at all. Not only did you break my heart, but you broke me... all of me. I don't know how to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up next to you; I want you to tell me "it was just a bad dream, please go back to sleep." And then, I just wanna go back to sleep and never wake up again. 

So maybe I’m a masochist

[Rihanna]
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Staring at the ceiling

Staring at the ceiling
Thinking about you
Thinking about us
Thinking about what went wrong?
Thinking about how to turn to the past
Thinking about how to avoid this pain
Thinking about how to stop crying
Thinking about how to make myself stop loving you
Thinking about God
Thinking about how to make this not real
Thinking about how to continue living without you
Thinking about making myself strong, somehow

Time goes by
And I'm still staring at the ceiling
I can't sleep
My eye bags get worse every day

I can't stop staring at the ceiling
I can't stop crying
I can't stop... staying awake every night thinking about us
Thinking about how all this love I feel for you
Doesn't mean anything to you

I can't believe it's over
I can't believe you cheated on me
I can't believe you never loved me
I can't believe you put such a great show
I can't believe I bought it
I can't believe my marriage is now a divorce

I will always love you regardless
I will always pray for you
I will always wish you the best
I will always... 
... kiss you good morning and good night in my dreams

Hace 1 año

Hace 1 año estaba celebrando el día más feliz de mi vida, hoy estoy pasando por lo peor. Hace 1 año me estaba casando por la iglesia con el amor de mi vida, la persona que elegí como padre de mis hijos para formar una familia y vivir junto a él para siempre. Escuchando esta canción recuerdo lo emocionada que estaba mientras bailaba con quien creía era el mejor hombre de todos, mi esposo. La escucho con lágrimas en los ojos mientras le pago a mis abogados para el trámite de nuestro divorcio... para separarme del hombre que aún amo pero que debo olvidar... por salud mental. Hoy, 1 año después, se acabaron todos los sueños que tuve junto a él. Hoy, después de un año aprendí que el "prometo serte fiel hasta que la muerte nos separe" fue tan solo una de sus tantas mentiras. Hoy, después de 1 año solo le pido a Dios que a pesar de todo el daño que me hizo, lo bendiga para que no se le regrese todo lo malo que hizo. Espero que aprenda de sus errores, espero que este divorcio sirva de algo y él pueda cambiar para que sea feliz. Ojalá no sufra lo que yo sufrí, porque esto de estar muerto en vida no se lo deseo a nadie.

How to grieve A DIVORCE

When you go through divorce, it's like a death of LOVE. Even if you're the one who initiated the divorce, you will still grieve. This is because you are not only mourning the LOSS of your marriage, you are also GRIEVING THE LOSS of your hopes and dreams—the belief of what you thought your life was going to look like.

Each person will go through the stages of grief differently and there is no set length of time. The ultimate goal is to get to the fifth stage: ACCEPTANCE.

These are the 5 stages of grief as they relate to divorce:

1. You just can't seem to accept that it's really over.
The denial stage often begins during the marriage. It may be hard to believe or accept the fact that your marriage is over. You hold on to a sliver of hope that things can be different—that things will change. You believe that the two of you will be able to spark that magic that once occurred in your relationship. 

Denial is normal. It's a way to help you grasp the fact of what's happening without overwhelming emotions. It's a way for you to hide from the facts in order to deal with the pain.

Other forms of denial include not believing they want out of the marriage or finding it difficult to believe that this is really happening to you. After all, you never thought you would find yourself in this situation.

2. Everything about your ex makes you angry.
During and after your divorce, you may experience anger directed in a variety of ways depending on the situation that ultimately led to the divorce.

For example: You may be angry at your ex for CHEATING. You could be angry about him using alcohol or drugs or for not caring enough to make things work. You may be angry at yourself for not seeing the writing on the wall, or for putting up with their crap for as long as you did.

3. You find yourself thinking "If only ..." often.
The bargaining stage is where you find yourself thinking, "If only...", "I could have...", "I should have...", and "What if?"

In essence, you are attempting to change the past or the current reality through your thoughts. In a way, bargaining is trying to rationalize what happened. You think, "If only I had seen it coming," "If only I had tried harder," or, "If only I had forced them to go to counseling." You are trying to fix what has already happened.

4. You just want to bury yourself under the covers for months.
Odds are you, you're gonna go through depression, not eating, exercising, or sleeping properly. The nights are filled with restless sleep and dreams of what might have been, as well as nightmares.

During the DEPRESSION stage, you may feel a deep sadness over the loss of your marriage. You may be hurt that your vows did not mean as much to your SPOUSE as they did to you. You may cry over the fact that he was not the person you thought he was.

While in a depressed state, you may play victim by labeling your ex as a sociopath or compulsive liar in order to get through the pain. 

You may find yourself depressed over the fact that you lost your home and have to move out. The mere thought that you are totally on your own may scare the heck out of you. This overwhelming fear may revert you back to any of the other stages of GRIEF.

5. Finally, you are ready to build a new life for yourself.
Acceptance comes when you fully accept the fact that your marriage, as well as your hopes and dreams for the future together, are over. It is at this point that you are ready to build a new life for yourself. Acceptance is letting go of the past.

Your emotions get less intense as time goes on. For the most part, you feel indifference for who your ex is and what he is doing. You have separated your personal life from his.

You are like the foundation of a house. It can withstand fire as well as the most severe of storms. You built your marriage on top of this foundation. The marriage crumbled, the walls came falling down, and you grieved. When you sweep away the debris, you are left with a beautiful, strong foundation to build your new life on.

 www.SupportForDivorcedWomen.com

Learning to let go 💔

Studies say it takes at least a year and a half or two years to get over a bad break up. I don't know how long this will take but I'm sure it will be more than that. See, the problem is I'm not divorcing him because I don't love him... I'm divorcing him exactly because of that, because I do love him, and he hurt me so much that if I stay in this relationship we will never be happy together. Why? Because he will never learn from his mistakes, he will continue cheating on me and treating me badly, because he takes me for granted and he knows I'll always be there for him. He knows I will forgive him every time he hurts me... Because he knows how in love with him I am. And then, there is another point, every time he hurts me again I will remember everything.. All the pain of the past 2 years... And I will probably get mad... So that's why we will never be happy. Why should I stay in a toxic relationship? Why should I put up with all his lies and bad temper? Why should I continue sacrifying my life for him? When all he does is showing me disrespect... When he treats me like garbage... When he says he loves me but we both know now that he doesn't. Because that's not love. If he thinks that's love... Then he's crazy... Or nobody taught him what love meant when he was a kid. At his age of 34 I'm hoping he learned from me what love is really all about. And with my example I hope he is able to learn how to love himself and then someone else. I hope he realizes that divorcing him is again a way of showing my love to him, because I want him to correct his mistakes and be happy, and have a beautiful family. I know the next person he dates will get all the benefits of my hard work. But that's ok. I hope he realizes I'm sacrifying my life again for him. Because he was my life. My whole life. He was the person I wanted to grow old with. He was the person I wanted to wake up with every morning and smile to. But that won't happen anymore. I'm learning to let go of the person I thought I knew... I'm learning to let go of my love.

I need to carry the pieces of my broken heart